It’s been a while…

By The Gambler | Published: September 1, 2010

Sorry for the hiatus, guys. A lot has been going on for the Gambler over the past couple of weeks.

Let see… well, I got a new job. That’s kind of a big deal. It’s not the “dream” job I was looking for… or the “different” job I was looking for. I’m going back into the restaurant biz. I’m trying to get excited about it… it’s hard to… but I’m getting there… slowly. I think whats exciting me the most is that I get to go out of town for 10 weeks of training. I’m leaving today in a few hours from now. I’m not going to lie about getting away from the house… I like it. I get to focus on learning my new position with little distractions and get some time to myself… which will be nice. I’ve already started a new lifestyle change… haven’t smoked in 2 weeks, cold turkey, and no red meat… and being away from home will help me keep this going during the first stages. I also got a prescription for phentermine, a weight loss pill, and will be working out A LOT. My goal is to lose 50 lbs by the end of the year. I will miss my wife and kids but I get to see them every 10 days so it’s not all that bad. I’ll get by with a little help from my friends, Madden, football on TV, Crown & Coke, and visits to the local sports bars on occassion.

Of course, with taking this new position, my wife and I had to close our restaurant. It was time. We kept it open for close to a year and made a nice profit on it to boot. The way I see it, we learned what it took to get a restaurant up and running and what to do and not to do. Maybe in the future, after our kids are teenagers and old enough to take care of themselves, we will try a different concept. Until then, I’ll be putting in the 55 hours a week at work while my wife manages the house and hopefully finds a day job while the kids are in school. We need the extra spending money… you know… for Crown & Coke, visits to sports bars, and casino trips. I am the GAMBLER.

In closing, a few little side notes – Madden is awesome. I will be playing it A LOT over the next 10 weeks. Thank GOD football season is upon us. Finally a real reason to sit in front of the TV for 3 to 4 hours at a time. Cee Lo Green’s new song “Fuck You” is awesome. I’m really feelin’ Asher Roth right now. He’s the guy that everyone says is trying to sound like Eminem… but he is completely different in what he raps about. Yes, his voice does sound like Em’s but what can he do about that? This kid is talented. Kenny Chesney also has a new song out, “The Boys of Fall.” Yeah, it’s about football, so I like this one too… not as good as “Touchdown Tennessee” but what can beat that? GO VOLS!!!

Let it ride.

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Vegas Made Easy (for those challenged by simple math)

By THE MUMBLER | Published: August 12, 2010

Iphone appVegas is not easy for me. All the glitz and glamour, gorgeous woman, massive buildings, water fountains, etc. are great.  My problem is that Vegas is about numbers and probability.  I am just not very good at simple math.  This is rather contradictory to my education and profession since I am an engineer.  Yes, an engineer that likes data, number crunching, and analyzing.  However, I have always struggled with simple math, like adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing.  Most people can calculate a tip in their head, or accurately add two double digit numbers together.  Not me.
I am so bad at math.  I would make The Rambler go to the grocery store with me, so that HE could add the 25 cent charge to my grocery bill for writing checks over the total in order to receive cash.  Yes, I am so bad at simple math, that I could not correctly add a quarter to my grocery bill to get exact change back from the cashier.
Now back to Vegas made easy.  I do not play table games that much because I do not care to learn the probabilities of the different hands in poker, and I HATE playing at $5 and $10 dollar Blackjack tables with a bunch of people who THINK that they know how to play, and get upset with you if choose to hit when you statistically should not, or choose to not double down or split when the “book” says.  I spend most of my time playing slot machines. Back in the day(a whole 5 years ago), I knew that the max bet of 3 credits was 75 cents on a quarter machine.  Even my mathematically challenged self can figure out that.  But know all the new machines, have 2000 lines and you can play 300 credits per line plus an additional 57 credits for the “bonus”.  There is no way my mathematically challenged self can know how much I am betting.  This is until now, I found the coolest little Iphone app that helps me accurately calculate the bet and payout, as if I could actually win. It is called the Slotulator.  That buck saved my some costly mistakes on my last trip to Vegas a few weeks ago.  Well worth the price.

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How you gain weight after a poop?

By The Rambler | Published: August 12, 2010

It may be Shark Week on Discovery Channel, but it’s poop week in my house.

After my toxic fart story that scared truckers…i was getting ready to drop the deuce and decided to try the classic man experiment:

Weigh before a Shit

Weigh after a shit.

After pinching a very nice loaf, I am plus .8 pounds?

How does that happen? You fire out a big giant turd, and gain weight.

That sucks!

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I am man, and I fart.

By The Rambler | Published: August 5, 2010

The other day my wife made some wicked good Chicken Enchiladas, followed by next day with some even wickeder Red Beans & Rice.

Of course, things started to brew up nicely – reaching a nice spice level on our road trip the other day.

The first one I cropped dusted in the beef jerky aisle at the truck stop…sprayed it past the peppered jerky and finished up near the cheetos.

Wow, I knew it was back there, but I bobbed, and weaved, and through out the counter measures and avoided any long term exposure.

Off to take a piss, and well, you know that the truck stop pisser smells pretty rank, and quite frankly – most of the scary trucker dudes were pretty ripe too.

At the urinal – i let another one fly….

I felt it ricochet off the way, and back up to my nose…WOW

THAT WAS TOXIC

I just froze, scared to move, or to make it worse

hoping that is someone nearby could not track it to me

i even wished that the mint in the pisser made it smell better

as i stood, long done peeing but still staring, i heard the commotion.

JESUS – WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

and WHO SHIT THEIR PANTS

My fear slowly turned into pride.

I zipped up, washed my hands and head out

I had a smile smile on my face – knowing that anything that makes a stinky dude in a stinky bathroom want to hurl

is something to be proud of…

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LUCKY… maybe not so much.

By The Gambler | Published: July 31, 2010

So I was watching HBO the other night after another episode of my guilt pleasure, Entourage (Hung is a great show as well), and this documentary called LUCKY was on. This is a documentary about the lottery – past winners, people who play the lottery in hopes of changing their lives, and little tidbits of info about the lottery in general, like the largest winning lottery ticket never claimed was for $50.1 million dollars.

There was also a story about this guy who found that he had won $22 million on a ticket he had bought a year and 3 days ago. Too bad… the ticket expired after a year. He took the state to court… and LOST! He got NOTHING!!!

How would you have liked to be that guy?

Again, I am the Gambler, so I was fascinated by this… but let me tell you a little story about myself and the lottery. While I was in college, I worked at a liquor store that sold lottery tickets. I was later robbed at gun point in that liquor store… but that’s another story. I played the shit out of the lottery! Pick 3, pick 4, scratch offs – those were my games. I didn’t play for the big bucks because I knew the odds were against me. But playing these $1 – $5 tickets, I made a nice little “bonus” while working there. One year alone, I won $12,000 or something like that.

Having money like that in college was NICE! Unfortunately, I blew all of that money on beer, liquor, road trips, women, late night munchies, clothes, music, etc. Oh well… hind sight is 20/20… or for me still a little fuzzy.

Anyway, while I was a winner in the lottery game, I dealt with all the losers on a daily basis. The drunks, the addicts that would spend $50 a day to play numbers that were due to hit in their number books (wish I had came up with that idea), even the moms who would come in and blow $20 on the lottery and bitch at their kids when they asked if they could get a candy bar. “We ain’t got no money for that shit!” Direct quote.

So after my days of working at the liquor store and playing the lottery, I vowed that I had used the majority of my luck and that I would stay clear of the lottery. For the most part I have, minus a scratch off here or there. Now, it’s slot machines and Let It Ride poker.

Hey, we’ve ALL got our vices, right?

Well if you ever get the chance to watch this documentary, I highly suggest it. I won’t go into great details about it but the underlying message to it is “BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.” Of the many people who had won the lottery that they did stories on, only one I would say was a positive story the whole way through. As for everyone else, stories of spouses divorcing each other after 20+ plus years together because they had money now, families being alienated and resented by other family members because they won, siblings attempting to kill their own brother MULTIPLE times to get their hands on the winnings, blowing $16 million and having nothing to show for it, etc., etc.

Basically, if you win the lottery, you might as well kiss the life you had GOODBYE, change your name, move as far away as possible, forget about a normal family life, and find a new, rich set of friends that you have things in common with. Also, invest and start a business or find a hobby that keeps you interested in life. A lot of these lottery winners complained that while they are set… they feel their life has no purpose. When you can have pretty much whatever you want, what else is left?

Food for thought. My philosophy on the lottery is this. I won’t play it until it gets to over $200 million. Yeah, I know I’m contradicting myself about not playing for the big bucks… but that’s A LOT of fuckin’ money! And I would need that money, because I would split it equally with all my family and close friends. DAMN RIGHT I WOULD!!! I would keep $25 million for my family – $5 million for each family member and the rest I would give away. $5 million to each to my mom, dad, brother, grandmother, grandfather, aunts, uncles, and closest friends. And I would still have money to give to my favorite charities, college, and buy a new house for my fraternity… and that bowling alley I’ve always wanted. Then taxes would pretty much wipe out the rest.

This way, I could have my friends, family, and all the money I will ever need in life… without having to give up a thing! Maybe I should be a lottery consultant or something.

Anyways, check out LUCKY if you ever get the chance. It will make you think.

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Dez Bryant… you’re a COWBOY, not a COWBITCH!!!

By The Gambler | Published: July 28, 2010

OH YES!!! NFL training camps open up this week and football season is upon us. My favorite time of the year BY FAR! I do not know how I make it through the non-football part of the year… seriously. Maybe the NCAA should play at the beginning of the year, then nothing during June, July, and August, and then the NFL can play the last part of the year. YEAR ROUND FOOTBALL!!! I like it and some of the powers that be should get the ball rolling on this. I’ll work on my tan during the Summer to pass the time.

But to what I really want to RAMBLE about – Dallas Cowboys 2010 #1 draft pick, wide receiver Dez Bryant. Yes, the same Dez Bryant whose dad is a “pimp” and who was asked by a member of the Miami Dolphins higher ups if his mom was a prostitute. True story. The same guy that was suspended last year for improperly meeting with Deion “Primetime” Sanders in regards to his NFL future. The same guy who is said to be high on talent but short on character and brains.

Yeah… that guy.

NOW, Dez Bryant wants to bitch about someone trying to make him carry their shoulder pads during practice. We’re talkin’ about PRACTICE!?!? Sorry, that was too easy. You know, at first I was like most Cowboys fans out there. Roy Williams SUCKS! He can’t hold on to anything. I am so glad Jerry took a gamble in drafting Bryant because he, Miles Austin, and Jason Witten will TEAR IT UP for Tony Romo, the Cowboys will make it back to the Super Bowl, and Williams will ride the pine. That’s what I WAS thinking. But Bryant is a “professional” (like his mom – BURN) now and he doesn’t have to carry someone else’s pads or do anything of the sort. He gets paid to play football and he is going to focus on football. You know Dez… that’s fine that you want to focus on football, but it’s still a GAME and games are fun and rookie “hazing” of this sort (and worse) is part of the game.

Think about it, Dez (if you can think)? What better way to come on to a brand new team, the #1 pick, known by everyone to be there solely to take someone else’s job, and bond with your team mates by showing them you are willing to “pay your dues” and that you are just one of the guys? I’m not a professional football player but even I know that this has been going on since the first Super Bowl was played. Rookies bring donuts, fit the bill for dinner, run errands. Bill Parcells use to have his #1 pick bring him water during practice. I would LOVE for Dez Bryant to refuse to bring Coach Parcells water, especially on one of those extra hot Valley Ranch afternoons.

We have another T.O. in the making, minus the numbers because he hasn’t even played a snap in a real NFL game. This guy shows poor character, poor decision making, and all the makings of a poor team mate. How many teams has T.O. played for now? Dez Bryant will probably break that number if someone doesn’t break his legs first. I’m really hoping this guy will see the error of his ways and become a great player and team mate for the Dallas Cowboys… but it doesn’t look likely. Unfortunately, talent trumps character in the wonderful world of college and pro football, so we will see a lot more of Bryant come Sundays because he definately has the talent.

But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

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To infinity and beyond!

By The Rambler | Published: July 27, 2010

I have a problem…I think my wife has eyes for another man…

It could be something I did, or didn’t do.

Maybe I could have seen this coming.

How could I have prevented this….

I have managed to secure a picture of her new “man”.

Buzz - Toy Story

tingling my wife's infinity and beyond

That’s right, Buzz Lightyear is trying to steal my women! After watching the Toy Story movies more times than I count, I think I have to step it up a bit to compare to old Buzz….

Be on the look out for more informaton…

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Greatest Moments in Man History

By The Gambler | Published: July 24, 2010

Thought I’d put this little list together to remind all of us of those great moments in OUR life – past, present, and future (hopefully). I hope this gives you a chance to relive glory days, enjoy the now, and look forward to the years to come.

first memorable toy/ video game system

first homerun/touchdown

first professional game seen live (football and/or baseball)

first championship (you or your favorite team)

first time seeing boobs/porn

first time shooting a gun

first time driving

first job

first blow job and losing virginity

first car/truck

first party

first time getting wasted/ first hangover

graduating high school

going off to college

first road trip/ Spring break

pledging and fraternity initiation

first three some (two chicks)

first casino trip

first time winning big after losing your ass a bunch of times

graduating college/ failing out but having one HELL of a time doing it

first real job with real money

first really nice car/truck

first place of your own

finding out that you’re going to be a dad

finding out you are NOT the baby’s daddy

birth of your first child

experiencing your child’s first in person (well, not ALL of them – that would be wrong on so many levels)

paying off a vehicle/house

negative pregnancy test(s)

I just had this last one happen today… which brought on this blog idea. The wife came home early from work, said she couldn’t stop throwing up this morning, and said she thought she might be… I won’t even say that word for fear of it happening. Anyways, I went to the store, prayed to God on the way back home, she pissed, and NO BUN IN THE OVEN! Thank you sweet Jesus!!!  I think it might be time for a vasectomy.

As for future moments, I’m only 33 so I don’t really know what else to put at this moment but I will update these GREATEST MOMENTS as they occur. If you’ve got any moments worth noting that I have left out, don’t hesitate to give me a holler so that we can get it on the list.

Until then, LET IT RIDE!

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Job interview

By The Gambler | Published: July 23, 2010

I hate job interviews but I had one the other day. I have been unemployed since December of last year and I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. That may take a while. My brain goes 0 to 90, stops, and changes directions. Wish my 33 year old body could do the same. I’d be playing line backer in the NFL. Right now, I really want to open my own business in our small but growing town. This business ranges from a multi-million dollar bowling alley, college bar, residential advertising company… the list goes on and on.

But as for right now, I’m forced to work for the man and go back to what I know… restaurant management… which I HATE (emphasize HATE). I’ve been working this biz for that last 11 years and I’m sick of it. The long hours, late nights, crappy work force, etc., etc. I really want to do something else and make good money, but I fucked around in college, didn’t graduate, and so here I am.

Back to the phone interview, it went really well. I’m moving on to the next step. I just hope my TRUE feelings about the job I’m about to take don’t shine through or I will be unemployed again soon. I hope that I can fool myself into being “all about the job” until a better opportunity comes along… one not involving food… and I’m GONE! I’m sure there are a lot of you out there who feel the exact same way. I say to you, “Keep schemin’, dreamin’, and believin’ that you can make a living doing what you love to do and eventually it will happen.” It might take 5 years or 25 years but it will happen if you put your mind to it and keep it there. I got a late start with this philosophy but I will make it happen.

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When did I get so old?

By The Rambler | Published: July 23, 2010

You know, it wasn’t that long ago, that I was the “young one”…you know the one sitting at the kids table, the little tyke…the next generation…

Somewhere along the way….I am now a parent to a little tyke.

Funny thing is that it seems like it really was only yesterday. Has it really been a decade since I started college? Can’t be.

I have had my drivers license…longer than I haven’t

I have more gray hair…than not (some of my friends have more not than hair!)

Most of the “chicks” I find hot, have little chicks of their own

I would rather go to sleep, then stay up late

I watch more DORA than ESPN

Stuff hurts for really no reason

I am more worried about my 401K, when back in the day I never thought I would have 401 dollars!

Vacations involve Micky.

You call your wife Mommy and yourself Daddy

All your friends are your “Uncle so and so”

You have more car seats than love seats

Shortly after I began to write this, I read an article that said that a song I really like (Garth Brooks, “The Dance”) came out 20 years ago.

All of this is really difficult to comprehend (another sign of aging maybe, I don’t remember)…I am almost the same age as my parents were when they had me.

I understand age is all relevant, and even though my parents are twice my age, they can out work me, and party me for that matter…

So, I will try to keep my head up (Viagra?) and think the best years in life are all ahead of me…after all…

I can sit at the kiddie table with my son…
and get his drivers license…
and see him off to college
and…

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